Angry With a Loving God

Back in September of 2008, my wife and I lost a baby boy to a stillbirth. His name is John Crawford. I cannot begin to tell you of the anger that poured from my heart as I watched my wife hurt so deeply at the loss of her son. I was extra angry because this is our second child that has not lived to full term. In August of 1998, Anna Kay was born into heaven and not into this world.
We have been blessed with three beautiful children in between these two ugly bookends of premature death. However, the pain of holding your tiny baby who was never allowed to take a breath, play kickball, laugh at their fruitcake daddy, whisper "I love you mommy", give their pop and nana a leg hug, or play Narnia with their brother and sisters. This is real pain. Pain that transcends emotion and weighs heavy in your gut . . . physical pain.
I have a seminary degree. I know a little something about theology. That is what originally made me angry about this "infant demise." God is sovereign. He is sovereign over all. People will say, "you never know, God might have been saving you from a handicapped child or a rebellious teenager or from this or from that." My answer to that is that my God knows everything and if he was saving us from a handicapped child then He could have allowed us NOT to get pregnant in the first place! Besides would we not have loved a handicapped child just as much? The bottom line is this . . . God allowed this to happen. That made me mad. Not only was I making funeral arraingements for my son but I had to watch my wife go through labor and delivery of our child whom she would never nurse and never sing to sleep. This is my wife. The one that I am instructed to love as Christ loved the church. The one whom I am to protect. A few years back I had given my life to Christ and that meant relinquishing my control to Him. I felt like I relinquioshed control to Someone who was not caring for my wife. I could do nothing to stop the train wreck of death that we held in that hospital room. God could have stopped this from happening and He chose not to. Did I mention that I was angry?
The delivery was on a Wednesday and I was to preach the following Sunday. How could I? Preach the Good News of Jesus Christ when I felt like He had abandoned me? I had told God when He calledme to preach His Word that I would always preach as if the present sermon would be my last. I would always preach as if the present sermon might be the last sermon that a listener might ever hear. That meant that I must be prepared. My heart must be prepared. I must be confessed. I must be passionate and believable. I had a choice. God had drawn a line in the sand. "Get right with me and preach or don't get right with me and don't preach." So I had it out with God, telling Him a thing or two. I finally got to the good stuff. I told God that I knew that the writer of Hebrews wrote that we have a High Priest (Jesus) who sympathizes with us in everything but I yelled at God that Jesus wasn't married and that HE NEVER LOST A SON!!!!!

The silence was deafening after God answered me. "No Birch, Christ never lost a son, but I did. I not only lost a Son, but I gave my Son. I gave my Son for you and for Suzanne. I do love you."

God drew a line in the sand because he wanted to draw me back to Him. He did not want me to go another second without knowing His infinite love for my wife and I. I cried out to God for forgiveness and let Him know that even though I did not understand that I would still trust. I do still trust the God of Jesus Christ. I preached that Sunday full of the Holy Spirit who came to my aid in my time of sorrow.

Suzanne and I went through some medical testing to see if we could/should try again for another child. The doctors found nothing and God granted us another pregnancy just two months later. That pregnancy ended this week. We did not bring Josiah Birch home from the hospital. We got to hold his tiny body in our hands again questionning God. Why could/would He allow us to get pregant again if this would be the outcome? Anger began to creep back in to my heart as I watched my wife hurting physically, emotionally and spiritually. A few hours after Josiah's birth, I sat in a surgery waiting room, alone. The doctors thought that Suzanne may be internally bleeding and so they rushed her into surgery. I sat all alone scared that I might lose my wife and the mother to my three children. God drew a line in the sand. "You are not alone. Do you trust me?" I knew this voice. It was the voice of my loving God who sent His only Son for me. He loves me and He loves my wife. I answered "yes" to His question. Do I trust Him? Yes! This life is filled with heartache and pain that was caused by human sin from the very beginning in the Garden of Eden. Pain and suffering are natural consequences of our rebellion against God. I have a hope in living with my Saviour forever. I have a hope of living a perfect Garden of Eden called heaven because of this Saviour who die and rose for me. Boy, will I ever feel silly as I enter heaven to be greeted by Jesus who will introduce me to Anna Kay, John Crawford and Josiah Birch. We did not get to live with them here on earth for a short time but we will worship our King forever and ever and ever beside each other. Thank you Jesus for the hope that we have in You. Even in this, may You be glorified.